This is an excerpt from Mr. Choojitarom's latest seasonal offering. It follows the tradition of An American Santa, excerpted elsewhere on this site.

> EBEN
> Well, here I am, sound asleep at my thrifty
> multi-purpose cooperative farm
> and empowerment center in my fair trade organic
> hemp sleeping cap I bought
> at Bonaroo.
>
> A.J. AYER
> Ebeneezer, Ebeneezer...
>
> EBEN
> Who’s there?
>
> A.J. AYER
> It is I, the ghost of Alfred Jules Ayer. As a
> logical positivist, I denied
> the existence of an afterlife. Now, after my
> death, am condemned to walk the
> earth.
>
> EBEN
> If you’re walking the earth, in what sense are
> you dead?
>
> A.J. AYER
> I am a ghost
>
> EBEN
> There’s no such thing as ghosts. The original
> Scooby-Doo made this clear.
> Either I am hallucinating, having a dream or
> you are just a person who has
> broken into my house and “talksss likeee
> thisssss”

>
> A.J. AYER
> Well, that’s an excellent point. Well taken. I
> commend your clear rational
> critique of misleading and confused
> superstition. Let’s say I am the specter
> of Humanlight past.
>
> EBEN
> Specter, ghost -listen, is Frege there with
> you?
>
> A.J. AYER
> No, no, a specter in the the sense of “there is
> a specter haunting Europe.
> The specter of communism”, a historical specter
> in the sense of the
> collective effects of the unintended
> consequences of human action over time.
>
> EBEN
> So you’re supposed to be some sort of
> trans-historical phenomenon that is
> some how also historically bound and materially
> constituted...
>
> A.J. AYER
> You’re having a dream, a crazy, crazy dream
>
> EBEN
> Alright, alright, what is it you want to show
> me?
>
> A.J. AYER
> Well, what makes you think I’m here to show you
> anything? This is a crazy
> dream. Anything could happen. We could just
> start kissing and stuff.
>
> EBEN
> I don’t think so
>
> A.J. AYER
> I mean, it could be what you really want, I
> mean, it’s your dream, right?
>
> EBEN
> Yes, and that’s not going to happen.
>
> A.J. AYER
> It could be a really sexy dream
>
> EBEN
> Would you roll the clip, or whatever.
>
> A.J. AYER
> [Spooky voice] Sexxxyy hottt dreeaam [Eben
> gives Cratchit a look]...Ahem
> ...we’re going back, back, back to the early
> days of humanism, where brave
> thinkers struggled to let shine the human light
> of reason against the
> darkness of religious dogma, superstition and
> prejudice to the very first
> Humanlight....
>
> GALILEO
> Merry Humanlight, Rene Descartes!
>
> RENÉ DESCARTES
> Merry Humanlight, Galileo Gallilei!
>
> GALILEO
> What’s this?
>
> RENÉ DESCARTES
> It is a little something I made for you. It is
> a little sweater and on it it
> says that the possibility exists that events of
> the natural world might be
> the product of natural causal laws and not
> created moment to moment by
> divine intervention.
>
> GALILEO
> It’s so beautiful and rational. And bold!
>
> RENÉ DESCARTES
> Yes, you can wear it inside out. On the
> outside, it says that this is only a
> hypothesis and that in reality a benevolent God
> who is Catholic, male and
> white is the immediate cause of all things.
>
> GALILEO
> Why Descartes, you sly old dog! I could kiss
> you!
>
> RENÉ DESCARTES
> No, don’t, the Inquisition will burn us.
>