SANTA
Okay everybody, let's get started. We start early, like November 20th, First we come in with "White Christmas", then, "We wish you a Merry Christmas", "Twelve Days of Christmas", then "I'll be home for Christmas" and "Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas", and "O Christmas Tree" and "All I want for Christmas, then we bridge into "Deck the Halls", "Jingle Bells", "Jingle Bell Rock".
SC OTHER HELPER
What about "It came upon a Midnight Clear"?
SANTA
You know I hear that song and I wonder what "It" is. We do the bridge and then we're in like the power curve of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" -cause it's hot - and we keep it up, we play it all the way to the big two-five.
DROOG MILLER
Why are we starting the set so soon, what about Thanksgiving?
SC OTHER HELPER
Yeah we used to give some space to Thanksgiving.
SANTA
Fuck Thanksgiving! What the fuck is that? It’s just a big ass meal and some football. Nobody talks about world peace and loving everybody at Thanksgiving.
It’s fucking Christmas. It's Christmas that's gonna save the world and we’ve got to get that message out. Saving the fucking world, right?
DROOG MILLER
That’s not what I heard, man.
SANTA
What? What did you say?
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DROOG MILLER
I said, that’s not what I heard. I heard that the reason we start so soon is to generate overwhelming seasonal consumer spending.
LARS DIN
You mean, like encouraging people to shop?
SC OTHER HELPER
What? Like buy a second Turkey?
SANTA
Man, you have NEVER, understood this holiday man, NEVER, it’s about giving. People shop so they can give!
DROOG MILLER
I don't know Santa, it's not like that anymore, and you don't even know it, man, you're on coke bottles and in violent movies -people don't even believe you exist, man.
SANTA
Don't believe I exist, I EXIST, I am Christmas!
Don't you see what we've done! I'm everywhere! We've succeeded!
DROOG MILLER
Santa, I love you, man, I don't want to hurt you I'm just trying to tell you something and you can't see it!
SANTA
See it! I see everything. I know who's naughty and nice! I know Christmas is a big money maker! I'm not the naive sugar-plum deluded old fool you all think I am. I know Christmas is a big business. It has to be! Christmas is America now! America is Christmas. Christmas makes America rich! Christmas makes America Strong! Without Christmas there is no economy! No Christmas bonus! No Nothing! Without Christmas what have you got? Fucking President's day?
Without Christmas you're all nobodies with nada! Without me you're nothing, nobodies with nothing to look forward to all year but what? Fucking cards and flowers!
SC OTHER HELPER
Santa, please
SANTA
You want a piece of fucking coal, too, I got your piece of fucking coal, get out of here! Get the fuck out of here, both of you!
[DROOG MILLER and SC OTHER HELPER, step back, exiting the scene]
Posted by grant at December 24, 2002 12:14 PM